Popular culture, particularly in television shows and films, often misrepresents emotional internalization as an alluring trait. Notable examples include House of Cards, The White Lotus, and countless others, where characters are depicted as deeply conflicted individuals who suppress their emotions. These people are often portrayed as attractive and intriguing, despite their internal turmoil and tendency towards isolation. However, this aloof portrayal is misleading and potentially harmful. Fake ambivalence is not an aphrodisiac; it is a societal epidemic.
I can remember being a kid and watching television shows where people were not expressing emotions, but they appeared to be in the “cool” group. I was fascinated by them and longed to be more like them. I thought perhaps that life would be easier if I could shut off from my emotions. It aligned with many of the childhood messages I had been taught. Admittedly, the emotional shutdown was strangely familiar to me on one hand, and unrelatable to me in my core. It violated something intuitive in me. To a degree, I felt like a failure because I could not suppress my emotions on the same level as the stoic characters I was glorifying on the television.
The neglect to share emotional experiences and states with a partner can lead to a lack of understanding, connection, and empathy. It is crucial to maintain regular emotional check-ins and share personal processes with your partner. Contrary to popular belief, partners do not always assume the best about each other. While it would be ideal for partners to always assume the best, this is not the norm. The human brain is a predictive organ, often unconsciously attempting to forecast the future as a safety mechanism. When we don’t know what our partner is thinking or feeling, we don’t fill it with warm fuzzies or erotic fantasies. It’s hard to make it past the honeymoon phase when a couple is emotionally neglectful. The unknown breeds insecurity, oftentimes leading to affairs.
When partners consistently share their feelings, experiences, and processes, the likelihood of assumptions decreases significantly. That’s when marriage gets sexy. Conversely, by assuming the worst and withholding emotional experiences, couples set themselves up for failure. This behavior, often a misguided attempt at self-protection, is a form of sabotage. Open, vulnerable states are more conducive to attraction and intimacy than shutting off feelings and communication.
I firmly believe that heart-centered communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. This is perhaps why timeless love stories like The Notebook and Titanic continue to resonate with audiences, despite shifting cultural norms. True love and deep connection form the bedrock of a lasting relationship.
We’re living in a patriarchy that tells us, “men don’t cry,” and “women who cry are hysterical.” TV shows might make the patriarchy sexy, but it is more conflict laden and lonely than anything else. It’s definitely not sexy to hide how you’re feeling.
Emotional internalization can lead to the suppression of hopes and dreams, which are integral to erotic connection and emotional intelligence. When are you most attracted to your partner? Not when they are disconnected or needy or confrontational, but when they exude passion and confidence. It’s important to realize that passion and confidence can be present in moments of deep sadness.
Sharing tender moments with your partner fosters a mutual participation in each other’s dreams and aspirations. These mutual exchanges can spark a magnetic pull that’s more than just love, incorporating elements of affection and desire, which are often more challenging to sustain. This concept, although not widely propagated by popular culture, is integral to a genuine lasting partnership and meaningful life.